Feb 18

Written by: Mark Carboni
2/18/2009 6:14 AM

Last night I invested a few hours on the phone with my long distance "therapist" who helped me identify matters of my heart and brain and where I continue to spin my wheels in the deep mud.

I seem to find myself falling down or tripping on my past before I find that I can stand up in the shallow end of the pool. One of her sentences was that we all want to know or be known, this is just nature. This makes sense because I want to know that all is going to be okay for all those around me. I know my abilities, my resources, my time and my passion. I want it to be known that I will and perhaps have, used these tools to help reach an outcome that seems better than if I were to have not entered the picture.

To a fault of my own, I walk through doors that I am never invited into and I start that process but in my own mind I can not imagine that I could be viewed as anything but being at the right place at the right time. Yeah, not so much. Whether we are in crisis mode or survival mode, not always is Mark a welcome face. The pain or hurt I feel is because I am not needed and not wanted and I set myself up to be hit with the brutal honesty that I am not of value.

I go through my own struggles, and this week I have been battling a health matter which has made me more aggressive to put some caps on bottle tops that needed corked. I never want anyone to have to clean up after me, so I do what I can to assure that I don't play stupid and leave unfinished tasks to the hands of others. So compound the matter, as Carbo does without even trying, I infuse my zeal for problem/solution tasking into those around me and I am less than wanted, needed and rather untimely.

So today I awake after two and half hours of deep conversation and brighter hopes that I can avoid repeating the errors of my way. I am learning to mind my own business. I am working toward avoiding walking into doors where I am not wanted, not needed or down right an unwelcome face. I felt like Frosty the Snowman in the nursery with Karen looking over as I became a reflective puddle of water ... and I realize that perhaps I just need to keep my old silk hat, full of its own magic, and myself, out of the nursery.

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